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Feb. 13th, 2011

Waiting for my man at Hollywood and Vine

So recently i decided that since my life is in a place of no turmoil, i should go and sort out some issues, or roadblocks if you will, in my life through therapy.

my school offers it as a free support system and so i figured why the hell not. Sure, my therapist is blind and sure, their always ten minutes late but maybe i can get some perspective as to why things are in such a disconnect in my life.

I'm so used to constantly taking care of others that its weird to be put in the other position. I've only gone twice but its already getting kinda difficult. The main focus on these sessions is not my grandfather with a terminal illness, or my parents divorce or any of that but rather my succession of relationship failures. In my particular case i feel as though all of my issues are culminated within this problem. for others its definitely not that way.

Lately I've been feeling as though there is a hard stone in my stomach. the kind that makes you constantly on edge and spiky and defensive. It's hard to have that go away. I'm trying I really am, its just one of those things that for some reason has built up and now it's almost like I cant stop myself when i feel like I'm being looked at too closely.

People are even commenting on it now. Friends who I don't see very often especially. The things I've tried aren't making this feeling go away. Even as I talk about it now I feel my back is up. I have to physically take a moment and relax to take that step back. I think part of it is stress from school. Not having control over my own schedule with it. I hate when i feel like i cant do what is important on my own time but rather have to work around someone elses bigger picture. Makes me really want to move out on my own.

Thankfully the dynamic there has changed since Landyn has moved in. He's only here for three months but it helps a lot having someone around who balances the extremes of our family out. we cant flip out on each other if a "guest" is there.

Sometimes i get really into my head. does anyone else get this? where two sides of my head are debating back and forth so much that i don't know which is correct anymore. The two sides argue so hard that i somehow end up beating myself up. Then when things don't work out for me i believe those bad things. Right now to be entirely honest im fixated on my weight. I feel like i'm a pretty damn attractive woman. but because im not skinnier im insecure and people can see that. And when one feels insecure it shows enough to deter people from talking to you. I feel like i'm afraid to let people in.

So, i'm working on it. no sugar, stuff like that. for the most part i feel pretty attractive. in the general population of the world im pretty damn thin. stick me in the middle of Michigan and i'm a regular kate moss. however here in the capital of univeristy and anorexia, i feel like a fat cheerleader at a pool party sometimes. It might be the environment rather then the people though. I still dont feel like i really fit in.

The main focus of these sessions is going to center around Dan. my therapist can see it, I can see it and its bad but good at the same time. After that IM the other month where i nearly had a heart attack and a pack of smokes and a double tequila shot at the same time...its hard to ignore. Am i not over him? It's been almost two years since we dated which is really hard to imagine. I think I miss the idea of him rather then the man himself. But the way i found myself talking about him really upset me. I was smiling and laughing and didn't seem to mention the negative things he did like being defensive and controlling a little bit. The thing that irks me is how much i miss it but how much i feel like it doesn't have a place in my life anymore. After that session i was so upset that it literally affected me. i dipped from class, and went home which of course takes me through the mall. on my way to buy a pack of ciggerettes, I walked past the counter where Dan's cologne sits. Its this hideously gay bottle of a mans torso and bulge but i sprayed some on my hand and left. i didnt hesitate. i just did it.

I remember months ago when the air smelled crisp and i was excited about him and life i walked through the bay like i did on friday, and saw that bottle. I picked it up and sprayed some of it on my leather jackets inner collar so i could smell him when he wasn't around. I remember being really really happy.

Having his sent on my hand just reminded me of our first real hug. We were in my basement and i buried my face in his chest and that was all i could smell. It was one of the only times i've ever felt really at home.

Anyway this is making me too upset. so i'm going to go study something.

Jan. 6th, 2011

My Mother, is Insane.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

i dont understand why some people feel the need to be  HUGE FUCKING BITCH ALL THE TIME.

i mean COME ON.

Christ.

Really really really reallllllllllllllllly. really. want to move out. really bad.

to the states.

where i never see her again.

ugh.
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Dec. 22nd, 2010

The Daiting Memoirs: Guns and Horses

Frank gave me Kat Von D's book, The Tattoo Chronicles for christmas along with a Chili Peppers book, even though i don't really even like the chili peppers. still, great choice. It inspired me to start keeping a short, honest diary on paper of every day, to see the progression on paper from my mind to the literal world. Along with meditation, it helps me condense and put perspective on my emotions and inner monologue.

While sitting here, waiting for my buddy Landyn to get his ass over to my place (he is currently 4 hours late) I thought "oh wait. i kind of already do that except its online. " so i decided to come and maybe start transferring my paper thoughts into real ones.

However i think there is a certain honesty on paper then there is online. We are all of course, images of ourselves created for pure ego in an online forum. Telling those who read it or see it who we are rather then allowing them to make their own assumptions. There are already some things that I have written on paper i do not wish to post online. Perhaps i will start to do it anyway, because if your writing a blog, leaving out pieces of yourself which are relevant is like leaving some pieces in a puzzle: You get the picture but its incomplete.

A few things have happened over the past month and a bit that have left me discontented. One is my new friend Dexter. We met through a mutual friend (who to this day makes me want to kill myself actually) and he asked me if i wanted to hang out afterwords on the premise of a date. i took it more of a time killer with someone who DIDN'T make me want to kill myself. The date had a normal flow except for the fact that he seemed to want to dive into my very soul, take the pieces apart, figure out how it worked and put it back together. he wanted so desperately to figure me out that it kinda shook me. Don't get me wrong, the attention and want to do it was flattering and i genuinely appreciate it, but i've never had someone peer that deeply into me before. Sure, there have been weird questions now and then that feign interest and all women DO  want to be understood on some level. However, the more that I was asked quesitons and had assumptions put upon me the more I found my foundation as a person totally cracking. Faster then I had anticipated, my answers started falling out of my mouth with no sound confidence but rather a struggle to try and find a response to satisfy him. Soon I figured out how to throw him off the track and avoid it all together or put the focus on him instead. I once thought that I would like being a celebrity because I always like answering questions, especially about my self but now I'm not so sure. Then again, i doubt anyone from E talk would ask me why I'm so defensive, and if that is truly a coping mechanism from all my previous baggage with older men clearly replacing my father. *ahem*

I see the world as a series of little signs. You can ignore them but eventually you need to realize that things happen in a series to be noticed. For the past few days I've been having trouble being not only motivated, but happy. When I was out of school and not working, i was so so happy. I didnt have any money, which sucked but i did my own thing, had my own discoveries and honestly, i had fun. Now i find myself slipping into the world of "i dont have". its a world of misfortune and fixation. sacrificing the now for an impossible future.

When i get down now, the downs are harsher. I'm fixiated on my weight right now. Partially cause when i eat, I now feel sick. Also because my jeans are getting tight. Granted, their new, but when the old ones that were baggy are fitting, its time to realize its not the fabric. So along with that, I'm also fixated on the fact that i'm single and despite my greatest efforts, this remains to be unchangeable. I blame this on my weight. I'm not FAT. I just don't look good. and because a lot of other girls DO look good, I do not. There is a surprising amount of male attention, its just not from guys I want. So i figure if the situation has a variable you can change and its not coming out right, change the variable and try again. Plus I'm 19. Isn't it time to be hot and have a mild eating disorder?

I know I discussed Mutton Chops Guy in my last post. Well, I found him.

On a dating website no less. He is actively looking for a relationship and wants to be a teacher. Kinda right up my alley. I don't want kids, but someone more stable then my ex, Dan is a good route if i want something worthwhile. I've always had a thing for an element of danger in my men. It's not quite an adrenaline junkie, but its the closest thing to bungee jumping I'll ever do. So, I, being the proactive chick I am, sent him a message and we've sent a few back and forth. Sad part is I still don't know his name. At one point a few days ago I was reveling in self pity thinking I had fucked it up over a misplaced comment and that even though he had been online, he wasn't replying to me for almost a week. I thought about sending a message to clear it up but decided if he was that much of a bitch over a mis-communication it wasn't worth it. However after applying my "whatever will be, will be. It's Destiny" method on the situation (i have a history of being stupid on impulse with my insecurities and after about 30 minutes of reacting, will immediately face palm and apologize) he actually ended up totally getting what I meant, and writing me back. Plus he remembers who i am.

So take the little signs, and take everything in stride.

And if there is one lesson I can pass on to other women who have had a shitty past, do not treat every guy as if he is the same one that broke your heart. My ex did that to me, causing our break up and it sucked.

Let things come to you, let go of control and you might be pleasantly surprised.

Maybe things aren't sucking after all.

Nov. 14th, 2010

The Dating Memoirs: "He'll Knock you Right on your Ass"

Recently I was faced with a problem. I was seeing this guy named Nate a few weeks ago. we were hanging out a decent amount, first date went really well. Not a soul mate but good enough for now. so when he's over one day, meeting my mom, he drops this bomb that hes moving to BC in November. so long relationship prospect.

So we make plans, and it doesn't work, then we try again, doesn't work. i give him open opportunity to bail since he a) hid this from me and b) was leaving anyway and I'm not down for random hookups. He doesn't take the bait.

So he messages me the other night, late, and says he wants to talk after a few days of barely any response on my end.

and He invites me over to his house while his mom is gone and the topic of sex arises. Obviously when a guy invites you to his place when his rents are gone...i'm not an idiot. so i tell him its not gunna happen.

however that leads me to thinking that maybe my way may not be the right way.

So, does sex doom a relationship if you do it too early?

and consequently can you ruin a relationship if you hold out too long and worry too much?

its kind of a slippery slope.

when i originally wrote this i had not slept with him. well yeah it ended up happening. it wasnt bad. i believe it connected us more in a "look at how ridiculous this is" kind of way, without barriers and stuff and me trying to be very buttoned up and proper instead of who i am: a free spirited chick with a free love attitude. however i realized that i wanted more then that and it only happened once.

I had forgotten about that when i decided to meet Roderick. this attractive guy who's ideologies unfortunately lead to a serious clash. (he wore a "classic conservative" shirt on our first date. kill me.) we ended up having sex the second date. it wasn't good and honestly wouldn't have happened if he wasn't so persistent. and literally, he had ALL the moves. but my heart wasn't in it and i havent spoken to him since.

Guess I forget who I am sometimes. But i need to get back to who i am and getting more disciplined with my life while i'm not being shook up by a guy.

I think sex can benefit relationships. but you need to have a level of understanding to make it worth it. When it comes down to it, sex is just an instinct based on hormones. what makes it more is trust, respect and above all else, love.

i find that i have a very large barrier up. and when people get too close or when i allow it to fall too much i bite back a little. its weird but its who i am.  after two years of no one getting past a barrier with me, its rare that someone would get to me.

However when i was at the mall working this guy came in that for some reason just literally shook me to the core. I only talked to him for 20 minutes. I have no name, no number no nothing. just the feeling i got and the fact that i couldn't stop smiling afterwords for hours. I don't know how to take it in all honesty. is it just a glimmer of hope that someone can get to me like that or is it a sign that i want to be with someone again. or maybe that i should wait for that guy that shakes me up? i don't even know anymore. i can only take it one day at a time at this point and maybe when I'm ready ill see him again.

people say that when you meet that one person, you'll know.

I knew with this guy.

and that scares me. a lot.

sometimes i get incredibly sad.

not for someone that I've lost, but more for the fact that i don't have anyone to be sad over.

I think its perhaps time i took a risk again. Not from online, not from some stupid social circle but from my own self and person. Its time to have some faith and courage and maybe take a risk with someone.

Aug. 18th, 2010

How The Hell Did We End Up Like This

well, another year has come and gone.

thats two birthday single

one graduation diploma

a lot of men

not so many tears

but basically im back at square one. and not the fun...mall one.

this is the second birthday i've spent alone. its my 19th and im sitting alone on my bed. i went out for a movie and dinner/drinks with my family and stuff but my only friend that could hang tonight bailed on me.

the other one of my "best friends" got dumped a few days before and hasn't returned my texts. to be honest i don't care. lately my friends that are supposedly the excellent ones, are falling through the cracks lately and the ones i barely know are being better friends then im used to.

while sitting here, alone i was thinking about stuff...i saw Chris for the first time in a month at least yesterday. things were great. almost like they were before he decided he couldn't be with anyone. we were touching and watching movies and he pulled me into him like he used to do. at one point i felt that familiar pull in my soul that just ached to be with him but knowing we could never.

Sometimes I think maybe. just maybe...life would be better if i broke down and dated a man who loved me unrequited. someone who thought the world of me, that was happy just to be with me and all they wanted was someone to love. that shouldn't be so hard should it? I mean its not great romance or anything but at least its alive at all when so many hearts are already dead.

So tonight I sit alone and think over this past year. praying its better then the last.

at least theres something there I can count on.

Jul. 27th, 2010

The Dating Memoirs: Eh Eh

I feel that I'm out of things to say.

everything that is a concern to me I've talked about a million times before...What else can I do at this point? Action comes as the easiest answer to me but I've learned to wait before I talk or do something extreme.

I go to bed feeling nothing in my heart.

I'm not sad, not content, just alone. In many ways i'm glad that I do.  When you're alone at least you know exactly what you are. I am fulfilled within myself and no one can impregnate the walls I have built.

But, at the end of the day...you're still alone.

Some people are okay with that. others only pretend to be okay with that.

I'm still unsure about which of those I am.

I know that I would love to have what some of my friends have with another person. However, I also know nothing is as it seems and things that look perfect on the outside is usually broken within. Patched together with cheap glue until it cant hold the weight anymore and the leaks break through.

Relationships aren't complex. People make them complex.

I know I would love to have someone to hang out with until I die.

But, i'm alright with waiting. I've been single a year now...although i dated a lot. I don't believe it could get anymore tedious then it already is. I'm young, the world is about to be mine, or so I'm told.

Until then I bury myself in work, school, alcohol and cigarettes.

Jul. 21st, 2010

The Dating Memoirs: On To The Next One

My friend Shawna says something fairly often that bothers me a little. it not offensive in any way, or wrong in any sense of the word but it just always leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth.

"On to the next one"

she says this when referring to guys.

I always hated it. as though it was a long chain of failures. over and over waiting to be discovered and dropped. nothing is that simple.

I mean sometimes it can see like it is. This guy Devon and I dated for four months very casually, not speaking in between seeing each other. I feel like he wanted to make me his girlfriend and I didn't want that at all with him. he was great don't get me wrong but it just wasn't right. Besides a few instances, it has never been that easy. and I feel like people would agree with me on that.

that's the thing. their still people. despite the bullshit, the confusion, let downs, romance, wishes, ideals, realities we're all just people with stupid self centered issues that makes it seem like the world is over. But I don't want the way I view people to be "onto the next one".

I try really hard to make sure the people I care about are treated better then the others in my life. With Chris especially, i told him I want the best for him and whatever that is, I support. I said that knowing full well I'd uphold it even if that meant sacrificing my own happiness to a degree with him for it.  I did that with Adam but for some reason I gave more then I should have because felt so out of control. I think by balancing how much I give to Chris, i can regain that feeling of control over myself and be okay with what I'm doing. we'll see if that works.

I turned off my cell tonight before Chris has a chance to message me. I really like having it off. its like a break for my mind.

I was talking to my good friend Frank (his real name is Sean but whatever) about stuff because we started off as kinda acquaintances who might go out maybe once to see if we get along kinda thing but now we're too good of friends and we chat about each others love bullshit.

I told him i cant fathom a guy loving me.

and its true, i really cant. i think i deserve love, i want love, i can love someone but I dont know why someone would pick me.

its not in a self deprecating weird way, I just don't see why im better then other women. I'm not as petite and adorable, i'm  not going to be seriously loyal all the time, i don;t think i'm any prettier then anyone else or better at all. i'm just a slight variation the way everyone is. I don't see what makes me more extraordinary then any other good woman out there.

for now, I dont understand love songs. I dont believe i have ever been loved and have loved in return fully. even puppy love. i'm alright with that. Because for some reason today I was thinking and i had a flash of what it was like when Dan and I broke up, Andrew and I broke up...and i never want to feel that way again. it was like my soul was plunged into icy cold water and left there to die. In shock, cold, and in more pain then the world could hold.

But then again, what is life without pain.

Jul. 19th, 2010

The Dating Memoirs: What I Learned Today...

Today was..more then eventful.

I do my normal life, until I work at five later this afternoon. no big deal.

my mom comes home early to pick me up claiming she's feeling sick. but she gets that often enough that i dont see it as a concern. its all good, I go to work in the mall.

about half an hour later, a security guard comes into my work and asks who Alyssa is. He then proceeds to tell me my mom is sick in the ladies washroom. I grab my cell and walk out to go see whats going on since she was with my sister i figure it wasn't a big deal. On the way, a tim hortons employee comes up to me and asks if i work at Danier, I say yes and he says my mother was in the bathroom with security guard. I walk in and she's with a first aid kit and the woman is putting oxygen on her. Apparently she was about to pass out when she called for help.

They call the paramedics, and i try to get in contact with my sister because my mother doesn't have her phone...which is ridiculous. the people at the tim's counter are cranning over it asking me questions and stuff. I end up having to leave work because my mom is so sick.

anyway.

another bomb gets dropped on me tonight as well...

Chris and I have lately felt that there was something between us getting in the way besides work. He isnt the typical male so I didn't think that it was the normal pattern considering he still messages me every day....

He came to me with a problem a few days ago about how he needs time to himself. normally I know men don't come to girls they aren't dating with problems let alone personal ones so I felt that was gearing towards a better direction.

the topic arose when I talked about my mom having EMS come in and i said that I wish someone had my back. because really, that's all I want.

He said that he had seen a psychiatrist...and apparently he had deep issues with himself and women (which i kind of knew). and that he also has mild depression. I had my bout with depression around five years ago, my family members had and some still are dealing with it. If anyone were to understand, it would be me.

However this raises a very interesting balence.

I dated a guy named Adam who had Cystic Fibrosis.

Cystic Fibrosis (for those who don't know) is a genetic lung disorder that affects someone almost as random as SIDS for example.  things were fantastic for awhile...until he got a lung infection and started preparing to die.

he spiraled into a massive depression, and he told me this story of a pet he had when he was younger. They had a cat and for some reason the cat got out and it was hit by a car.  It wasnt killed instantly but it bounced off apparently at a low speed. As it was preparing for death, it crawled under the bed for days.

all I could think to say was that "you are not that cat".

But it makes sense doesn't it. I had a dream once that I had three days to live. it was so vivid i remember the next few days i was still shaken by it...I actually could not let it go. i had gone through the final phases until i realized in real life that wasn't the case and either you can live with fear or you can live until you cant anymore.

Ive faced death once before while battling my depression. I know what that's like. its different picking your fate and having it given to you though, i know that.

But with all that knowledge, I don't believe I could date Chris if he was dealing with depression and I believe he got that message tonight. I used "as a friend" and he said he needed "time alone to figure it out" we don't need to talk about it, but we know that we wont date. I cant put myself through that. I care for him and I'll be there when he needs me and maybe once hes alright we'll be ok, but i cant hold someone up when they need to deal with it on a personal level.

well, bring on the dates. I have one tomorrow, and one thursday.

Here we go again. ;)

-A

Jul. 11th, 2010

The Dating Memoirs: "I'm the Hero of this story; Don't Need to be Saved"

Passion is in the risk.

i heard that today and for some reason it stuck with me because that's another form of explaining how I live my life.

I believe in living dangerously, loving hard, and dying young. to a point of course.

I believe in jumping into relationships. Even if you crash and burn I hate feeling like I have to question everything I do with someone that supposedly loves spending time with me.

I hate game play, and mind work, and all that shit that goes along with it. Don't get me wrong, I can play it if I have to but I don't think that's respectful, which is something I also highly value.

I really don't know what I want or what I need anymore. I usually do. but all this shit with Chris being too busy for me but he likes me and blah blah blah. it's almost not worth it. In fact it really isnt worth it anymore. Our texts have gone from early in the day, all day to one a day as of now...phone calls virtually nonexistant, no flirting. I don't want it to be like this but this is how it is.

I never thought about marriage.

As a kid, i never had dolls with names and a nuclear family like everyone else.

I like to think i was destined for more but thats bullshit. i'm just a number like everyone else.

If anything i'm a defect. I'm a person that doesn't fit the genetic code for the species. I'm useless. Utterly narcissistic, selfish, useless.

and it's true, i am. but that works for me. and I'm okay with it. No one's got it all.

I used to be someone who had to date all the time and liked being in that environment but lately I'm just so exhausted from the break down. No one is worth it to me anymore. I honestly don't really care anymore about anything too much. I just distract myself until i get a lift.

Maybe i'll meet someone in university. I doubt it though. I never followed the relationship patters of others as it is why should university be any different?

I feel very...removed. from a lot of my life. In someways i love who I am but I dont see why others don't love who I am. I'm the only girl I know who is the way I am. Men go on and on about how they want something different, and honest, and no games and blah blah blah that is such bullshit. they all want bitches who are also sluts. who eventually they'll marry and hate the girls for their lives. I want more for me then that.

Truth is, i don't really believe in love.

Well, i believe in love. I don't believe it will ever be enough.

Jun. 13th, 2010

The Daiting Memoirs: WTF?!

So...i just got home from seeing Prince of Persia with my friend Aidan.

Well...I thought he was my friend. Apparently he wants more then that...

I met him at FedProv, which is the Federal Provincial conference we do every year. Basically we take on the role of a province's government with the different ministries and discuss current issues in legislation. we're losers. but its okay cause im going into Political Science :)

so we ended up reconnecting at my friend Dustin's house when he had a bbq. totally awesome guy. we ended up talking about his current relationship situation where he was dating this girl Ashley...

Ashley is an amazing person. shes so fun and cool and odd but awesome. unfortunately she had a prolonged fuck-buddy situation with one of my old friends Oskar. who is a cross eye'd serb who basically is disgusting since he tries to get with women constantly. fortunately for him (and me) if you rebuff him enough you become one of the guys so i thankfully escaped his sick sexual wrath.

Ashley is also very religious....this wherein lies the issue between Aidan and Ashley. She saw him as a future husband. he saw her as a cockblock. an awesome chick, but they wern't on the same level. talking about this issue, i told him it wasn't going to work out...and so after their prom, they broke up. my fault? no. i was just a symptom of the disease, not the cause. Plus he asked for my opinion. So well, with me, there it is. it ain't gunna work kiddo. sorry.

Aiden has the vibe to him that charms a lot of women. He's just one of those guys that has so much charisma. I'm sure you know a guy like Aiden. Blond, blue eyes, jock but not stupid, gets along with everyone party guy. so he and i flow pretty good. This was all before I met Chris.

So he asks for my number, no big deal and after sharing a cigar and awesome talks, I leave.

i don't hear from him for a bit, then its the odd text and finally tonight, we hung out.

So I meet him at williams, conversation still amazing. we flow really really well. too good sometimes. its like Gilmore girls but on speed. but with sexual tension. NOT THE POINT.

so we get in the movie, its all good we're talking the whole time making jokes no big deal. But when the time comes where the main characters are about to kiss, he decides its a good time to make a move.

CHEESEY. LAAAAMEEE. but whatever.

he did it. and its done now. so apparently this was a date...and he's kind of over-eager. maybe it was the fact that he isnt used to me, or maybe its cause i was wearing heels. i dont know. point is it was like i was trying to run away and he was trying to make out with me.

some teaching will do him some good. he also tried to grab my chest. so i pulled "WOAH THERE COWBOY. you just go around grabbing chicks?" he wont do it again for awhile. that is, if he even decides to stick around. or i decide i want to see him more...

i honestly dont know what to do. cause now ive made out with two men in the span of four hours. im kinda skanky. but i didnt mean for that to happen! i really didnt. i thought chris was all good, you know? like things were set...and now i dont know what to do.

I like my lifestyle. After you get over the fear of not having anyone your happy meeting new people and doing whatever you want. but eventually you need to decide someone is worth it. I just dont know how i figure that out now...

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