my school offers it as a free support system and so i figured why the hell not. Sure, my therapist is blind and sure, their always ten minutes late but maybe i can get some perspective as to why things are in such a disconnect in my life.
I'm so used to constantly taking care of others that its weird to be put in the other position. I've only gone twice but its already getting kinda difficult. The main focus on these sessions is not my grandfather with a terminal illness, or my parents divorce or any of that but rather my succession of relationship failures. In my particular case i feel as though all of my issues are culminated within this problem. for others its definitely not that way.
Lately I've been feeling as though there is a hard stone in my stomach. the kind that makes you constantly on edge and spiky and defensive. It's hard to have that go away. I'm trying I really am, its just one of those things that for some reason has built up and now it's almost like I cant stop myself when i feel like I'm being looked at too closely.
People are even commenting on it now. Friends who I don't see very often especially. The things I've tried aren't making this feeling go away. Even as I talk about it now I feel my back is up. I have to physically take a moment and relax to take that step back. I think part of it is stress from school. Not having control over my own schedule with it. I hate when i feel like i cant do what is important on my own time but rather have to work around someone elses bigger picture. Makes me really want to move out on my own.
Thankfully the dynamic there has changed since Landyn has moved in. He's only here for three months but it helps a lot having someone around who balances the extremes of our family out. we cant flip out on each other if a "guest" is there.
Sometimes i get really into my head. does anyone else get this? where two sides of my head are debating back and forth so much that i don't know which is correct anymore. The two sides argue so hard that i somehow end up beating myself up. Then when things don't work out for me i believe those bad things. Right now to be entirely honest im fixated on my weight. I feel like i'm a pretty damn attractive woman. but because im not skinnier im insecure and people can see that. And when one feels insecure it shows enough to deter people from talking to you. I feel like i'm afraid to let people in.
So, i'm working on it. no sugar, stuff like that. for the most part i feel pretty attractive. in the general population of the world im pretty damn thin. stick me in the middle of Michigan and i'm a regular kate moss. however here in the capital of univeristy and anorexia, i feel like a fat cheerleader at a pool party sometimes. It might be the environment rather then the people though. I still dont feel like i really fit in.
The main focus of these sessions is going to center around Dan. my therapist can see it, I can see it and its bad but good at the same time. After that IM the other month where i nearly had a heart attack and a pack of smokes and a double tequila shot at the same time...its hard to ignore. Am i not over him? It's been almost two years since we dated which is really hard to imagine. I think I miss the idea of him rather then the man himself. But the way i found myself talking about him really upset me. I was smiling and laughing and didn't seem to mention the negative things he did like being defensive and controlling a little bit. The thing that irks me is how much i miss it but how much i feel like it doesn't have a place in my life anymore. After that session i was so upset that it literally affected me. i dipped from class, and went home which of course takes me through the mall. on my way to buy a pack of ciggerettes, I walked past the counter where Dan's cologne sits. Its this hideously gay bottle of a mans torso and bulge but i sprayed some on my hand and left. i didnt hesitate. i just did it.
I remember months ago when the air smelled crisp and i was excited about him and life i walked through the bay like i did on friday, and saw that bottle. I picked it up and sprayed some of it on my leather jackets inner collar so i could smell him when he wasn't around. I remember being really really happy.
Having his sent on my hand just reminded me of our first real hug. We were in my basement and i buried my face in his chest and that was all i could smell. It was one of the only times i've ever felt really at home.
Anyway this is making me too upset. so i'm going to go study something.